For J

I was visiting J's friendster page right after my ex's.

I am somewhat bothered by the multiplicity of my emotions for J. I haven't seen him since college. We have no reason to see each other, yet it is much more unfortunate that we don't even talk anymore. Even the weather is such a cautious topic to at least dedicate a syllable for.

Recounting my experiences last year, I had an awful realization: Even if I were in a relationship, if he asked me to run away with him, I would.

Without even a backward glance, I would pack up my bags (kahit hindi na nga e) and run to the nearest bus stop or the airport, and blow my savings on a plane ticket to a destination at the other fragmented cheek of this world, and just run away with him.

We never did ever talk about what I felt for him. He has this girl, see. The luckiest girl ever. He's going to marry her eventually, this I am sure.

I really don't know her, but I know her from his words, his hand movements, his excitement when he talks about her and that earth-shattering love for her. Even though she's suicidal and beyond his arm's reach now, he loves her. She's such a child to let him go.

I would have fought to stay with him. He is perhaps the Mark Escaler of my generation, and that's saying a lot. I would love to talk to him about McLuhan, and how media and public opinion form the current chicken-and-egg paranoia of retracing steps via theory.

That I envy. I could take care of him, and make his life so much easier for him.

I planned to tell him that I love him during graduation: hand him a postcard saying I love him. That after four years of my lips wanting to part to announce this: I love him, and it was no small feat for me.

But I didn't see him during gradution, because I was talking to my ex's sister.

Must've been fate.

He's going to Nanyang, which I only found out after I finalized my plans to go to either Nanyang or NUS.

I wish I could just hug him, and tell him everything's going to be alright. And I just wish, for once, he would say it back to me.

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I bought a Juicy Couture bag. Lo and behold, the zipper was a golden J.=)